Rules of Engagement Tip from Pat Ferdinandi of SBDi Consulting

I once sat in a bull-pen-styled work setting between two avid sports fans. Every Monday, during hockey season, I literally kept my head down as they threw verbal and sometimes physical blows (throwing paper or hand/arm slaps) at each other. New Yorkers can understand. John was an Islander Fan and Scott was a Ranger fan. Two rival teams that exceeded any emotion two could have (yes, more than Yankees vs Red Socks). At this time, a new hockey team was forming and beating the shin guards off of the other two teams … the New Jersey Devils. Being from NJ, I tried to join in on this Monday ritual. I was denied entry for valid reasons.

Reason #1: It wasn't the fact that they were HUGE fans of opposing teams. It was their friendly, relationship building game. It didn't matter if the Devils were winning. That wasn't part of the game. The game was a relationship-building game between John and Scott. It was never meant to be a game to have two-against one or three-way combat. They had a different playful game to build a working relationship with me.

Reason #2: I tried to intrude with something I knew nothing about. I didn't have a real understanding of hockey. That smells to the other players a game of "suck up." This is something that is NOT respected by the other people playing the game. You can't fake it. If you are a fan (emotionally versus technically connected), then you can play. If you are not, just sit and listen. You will be respected more by respecting the game.

Reason #3: Because I sat between them, it was easy for me to play "referee" if they went on too long or got too emotional (remember, no fan gets more emotional than hockey players). That was the role I was permitted to play not because I was sitting between them but because I handled the role with honor. That was my role, implicitly assigned by them in this relationship-building scenario. That opened the possibility for me to build my own working relationship with Scott and John.

Reason #4: Acknowledgement of success. The "fight" always ended with both parties saving face. Both Scott and John would give a little to the other side. Scott would reciprocate by saying "that was a good goal by Mr. Goalie" (sorry, I really don't know hockey to even know the names…so I'm not going to pretend). John would reply by saying "yeah, but Mr. Captain had a great save in the 3rd inning." That was my signal that they wanted the game to end. I would step in and say, "Can one of you help me with this work problem"? Both John and Scott were satisfied. They teased each other and ended on a friendly note so they could play next Monday. They happily helped me because I played the role of referee.

Sports Talk is a marvelous way to build rapport with a business partner. Most men love at least one sport. Which team they prefer usually depends on where they saw their first game, where they grew up, or their college Alma Mater. It is the common bond between generations of men in a family. In the workplace, it is the most common day-after conversation that transcends divisional boundaries and hierarchical ones.

Let me ask you:

Does your business partner have a favorite sport?

Do you know their favorite team?

Who can legitimately play the role of the opposing sports fan?

Even if you know nothing about sports (like me), you must acknowledge that this ritual is extremely important. You will just play a different role.

You can be the initiator of the game: How did your team do last night?

Put two opposing members into talk about the game and take on the role of initiator and referee (but NEVER TAKE SIDES).

This shows that you acknowledge the social ritual but do not impose. You will earn respect from the business community.

Now, if you are a sports fan and love the same sport, you can play the role of a Scott or John (team sponsor)…MAYBE. If the business person is not interested in this ritual as a friendly sparring, DON'T PLAY THE GAME. The Business Person only has interest in winning at all costs. In this scenario, concede and end the game. You will know by his reactions. Remember, your goal is not to win the argument but to build a bond with the business person. Conceding will enhance the relationship. Refrain from playing again (unless as a referee) or you will loose the respect and be seen always as a patsy. After a try or two, the business person will respect you.

If you are the referee in this instance, it is your responsibility to end the game to help all parties save face. You are to ensure that:

the "win-at-all-costs" person does not look like a bully. He really doesn't need to have that reputation.

the "patsy" doesn't become a victim. You become a villain, in this scenario, to both parties. Instead, be the referee to stop the escalation of a potential lethal battle.

What's in it for you? Learning about and accepting this common ritual is a tool to building a bond with a business person. Sports Talk is a common theme but is not the only means. It could be a discussion on politics (work, national, or international) or which notation style is best. The point is to initiate the ritual as a possible means of relationship building. Then watch the mood.

Mood #1: If the business person accepts the invitation to participate, choose your role appropriately (play the role of referee or team sponsor). As a team member, always concede to something his team did well, even if the team lost. As a referee, listen for the right point to end the game. Your role may only be to initiate the ritual. A higher level business person may be the referee or … let them. A higher level business person may want to play the role of team sponsor … let them. You will earn respect for understanding the ritual and playing the correct role.

Mood #2: If the business person is combative (always wants to win the argument/discussion), back away consistently. You can always acknowledge his backing the right team with a closed-ended comment (congrats on your team win last night) but do not play in the game. You are giving him credit and that is all that is necessary to build a good relationship.

Mood #3: The business person doesn't want to play. Initiating the ritual can be easily converted into just a greeting. You will hear a short close-ending response like "I didn't see the game" or "thank you." That's your signal to get to business. It could be that you are not allowed to perform the ritual or the person does not have time or the person just doesn't have an interest in the ritual (or doesn't understand the ritual). Do not take it personally. Just let the ritual end there. You will be respected by the business person for the simple response of ending the game. If a higher-up comes in and ends the game … go with it. This will help you build a bond with both business people.

A few words of caution. Never take the part of the same team and gang up on someone. Then the game becomes a battle in which you will lose the relationship building war that could end your career. Worse yet, you will always be seen as a patsy or "suck up" and never earn respect from anyone. That is NOT a role to EVER take.

Be careful, the business person could change moods from day to day or play multiple games throughout the day. It depends on whether they want to play the game, and which role they want to play. This game takes many themes and provides you opportunities to play different roles. The quicker you identify your role and play it well, the better off you will be. The more roles in which you learn to excel (initiator, referee, or team sponsor), the more you will be respected by other business partners.

This ritual is important in building any relationship. It is the number one social ritual played in a business setting. It is a safe, risk-free ritual in building any relationship…if you accept the right role. The more success you have with multiple business people provides you opportunities to come back and ask for information (clarification of requirements) or favors (more time or people for a project). That's what is in it for you!

Build a better business relationship by playing the right Sports Talk Role.

SBDi speaks both Business and IT languages. Bring SBDi in to help communication between both organizations. Let us help you find the right flexible solution that will help business increase revenue.

Pat Ferdinandi, Chief Thought Translator