Technologists believe in their hearts and souls that they are providing valuable insight to the other person. Technologists are agreeing...yet tweaking the idea.

Well...you're not!

Yeah, but... is the most disrespectful expression in which you can engage in any conversation. You are arrogant to think that you are going to set the world right with your Yeah, but response.

It is like taking a pin and popping a balloon. You are taking the positive optimistic idea and deflating all the helium from it. You are devaluing the idea AND the person. You are attempting to softly agree with the idea while dismissing it at the same time. In fact, you aren't agreeing with the idea at all! It's a slap in the face of the other person saying, "Your idea is full of holes...let me explain why it won't work." You're trying to show your superiority...diminishing the idea and the person providing the idea.

The Yeah, but... expression closes the door to communication. It ends any possible discussion to finding solutions. It discourages teamwork. It minimizes the opportunity to brainstorm. Yeah, but negates everything you said prior to the Yeah, but. What is said after the Yeah, but is also not heard by the listener. All the listener walks away with is "What a jerk!" Wow...that doesn't put you as the naysayer in a winning situation...does it!

My question to you is why are you saying Yeah, but? If you disagree with what the other person is proposing, why?

I've seen people "Yeah, but" to stop a project or idea in its track. The Yeah, but person:

• Doesn't want the additional responsibility caused by the thought
• Doesn't want to show that he or she doesn't understand
• Needs to always be oppositional (many times without knowing he or she does)
• Needs to feel superior.
• Isn't open- minded to work in the gray world. Everything either works or doesn't. The Yeah, But-er is automatically looking for flaws.

Randy Pausch had a great story around the opportunity to work with Disney Studio's in developing a Virtual Reality ride.

1. The first person immediately said the opportunity was bad with the Yeah, but. He responded without investigation and without listening to different options to make the proposal a reality. The dean wanted to end the opportunity because he didn't understand or didn't want Randy to have the opportunity or didn't want to deal with the legal work surrounding it. Randy and this Dean got in a bit of a verbal challenge (aka p***ing match).
2. Dean responded a little differently. He responded saying that he doesn't have enough information to form an opinion. However, he could see the enthusiasm Randy (or anyone providing an idea) had and wanted to hear and learn more.

As a team player, a manager or the technologist supporting the business...which do you think the idea person would respect? Let me give you a clue...Randy, in his famous Last Lecture speech, illustrated why one dean moved up the ladder further and faster. From Randy's story, one could envision the opportunity becoming real (which it did) with a willingness to discuss tweaks to make it happen. The second dean is someone everyone wants to work with on a daily basis. The second dean is the person that everyone goes to for help or to provide help.

How should you respond instead of using Yeah, but? With the truth!

• Say what part you like about the idea. The unsaid portion that you do not like will disappear during the discussion.
• Ask if the provider of the idea would like to brainstorm possible tweaks to IMPROVE the idea for him or her at a later date. Do not express your ideas until the person providing the idea has an opportunity to stop and think more about it.
• If you can not deal with the extra work, express that the idea is a good one and you would like to discuss it at a later date when you have time to grow the idea or suggest someone else with whom to talk.
• You need more information to obtain a better understanding. Schedule some time (within a week) to discuss the idea in further detail.
• If you don't like the idea...say that right away (as long as it is that reason and not a delaying tactic). At least you are being honest and direct. Talk about your objections.
• If the idea has been tried before, ask the person to compare the two ideas and report back how his or her idea is an improvement and why it will work. Give the person a chance to investigate his or her idea.
• How about ... "Wow...tell me more so I can think of ways I can help you."

The above keeps the communication door open. You remain optimistic. You are helpful. You are supportive for free-thinking. You are giving the other person a sense of pride to keep working. After all, the idea may actually be useful. Why close the door on opportunity?

How should you respond to a Yeah, but person? You don't! Sorry. These individuals are not open-minded. As you resolve one objection, the Yeah, But-er will come up with another. Thank the person for his or her time and find someone else to discuss your idea.

Oh, is the Yeah But-er your boss? Not for long. Remember, the Yeah But-er will become stuck in his or her current position and be on the list of potential lay-off victims. Optimistic people that work towards solutions rise through the ranks. In time, you will be his or her boss!

You aren't a Yeah, But-er? Are you sure? You may be with different words such as...

• However
• But
• Yet
• In my humble opinion (IMHO)

Now that you've uncovered how you have been disrespecting business users, management, co-workers, family and friends, it is time to stop. Once you understand the problem, you can work to change this bad habit. You will still make the occasional mistake. When you do, apologize. No one is perfect and the other person will respect your attempts to retrain yourself. Removing conversation stopping language is the way to lead your life and opens doors to many more opportunities. You can never get where you want alone. It takes other people. Allow them the opportunity to communicate in a safe, open environment.

Are you closing the door to opportunities by being a Yeah But-er?

SBDi speaks both Business and IT languages. Bring SBDi in to help communication between both organizations. Let us help you find the right flexible solution that will help business increase revenue.

Pat Ferdinandi, Chief Thought Translator